 ARIES 3/21-4/19- It's absurd, but true; following all the rules is like wearing a very tight cock ring... It sucks ass, as you end up doing more that you get paid for, but I guess that suits just fine to a sucker like an Aries. Stop being a pussy and take it easy for a change and let some other fucker do all the work for the first half of the week. If backfires, you can always use a bit of brown lipstck in the boss's office. For the second half of the week try something extra-mundane like join a hardcore religious cult and give them all your money. That will leave you broke as fuck, and you can have a quiet weekend in to reflect on how much of an imbecile you really are.  TAURUS 4/20-5/20- Lets face it, There's nothing more pointless than a to do list. After all Taurus are known for being useless lazy bastards. So do yourself a favor and by thursday at least try and take a fucking bath, if you want to stand a chance of getting laid. Attempt to learn something new like how to pick pocket without getting caught, as you never know, you might just meet like minded people and all of you can be a bunch of losers but in a group environment. Soothing your soul with a boring weekend eating cheap noodles and farting if front of the TV are in order as you are incapable of doing fuck all else anyway.  GEMINI 5/21-6/21- 'Will it ever end this pathetic life I lead?' I hear you asking, and the answer is no, take in a chin and get used to it, life sucks for everyone and for Gemini is in double doses. You will be grumpy like your grannie longing to get laid for the best part of the week, but never fear, it will get worse by the time the weekend gets here. You will have to work over the weekend if you happen to have a job, otherwise its another weekend watching culinary porn while your refrigerator is empty, Fuck it sucks to be a Gemini. I suggest you join the Jehovah witnesses and become a born again and choose a less shit star sign.  CANCER 6/22-7/22- Taking orders really sucks ass, specially you are the sucker bullying yourself around, because you are a boring fuck and no one can stand your company for more than 10 minutes. So what I suggest o take some the overlaod off your back s by bribing someone to be your imaginary friend for a week, so at least gives you a sense of belonging, no matter how false it is. By the weekend you are more likely to find out that your partner has been fucking your neighbour, and sucker that you are you will forgive them and allow them to do it for you to watch because its beats the loneliness. What a fucking turd you are. Dont thank me, just trying to cheer you up.  LEO 7/23-8/22- Figuring what you really desperately need will be your major dilemma this week, just go easy, as you will be disappointed, because there's no way in hell you're gonna get it. Forget about plans for the weekend as thursday and friday will be the 2 of the most fucked up days you had in a hell of a long time. So I recommend you take the phone off the hook, buy loads of liquor and crystal meth and waste yourself to an obblivion. If you're lucky you'll be found dead next spring when the neighbours can no longer stand the smell but if you survive, well there's always the week after to try again until you finally succeed.  VIRGO 8/23-9/22- Living with the cheeks of you ass sitting on barbedwire is not really to your liking, but what can you do? Well with the means and resources you have, not much of a option if you ask me, but if you are a that much of a sucker for pain, why not join a S&M group? Some people like to cut corners to get things done, but you are the kind of person who always gets caught and pays the price not only for yourself but for eveyone else too, so this is definitely one of those motherfucking weeks, At least count your blessings as you have a good friend like myself to warn you in advance. Ha ha ha  LIBRA 9/23- Your natural stupidity is a blessing in disquise, but at times it can be like a dildo up your left nostril with no vaseline. There will many a moments this week when you'll have to rely heavely on your bullshit talking skills to get out of a pickle. You will have a few bruises and maybe a visit to ER for a few stitches, but you will survive, because it there is one think the planet is short of is retards like a Libra. Take the weekend in hiding to heal your aches and pains, you'll be up and ready for another beating in no time flat.  SCORPIO 10/23-11/21- It is very important to be aware of all the sides of an argument. Trying to win the argument by touching up the person you are arguing with, specially if she happen to have big tits, its a recipe for disaster. But a life of a Scorpio is a living nightmare so you will feel just at home at being a sucker for the best part of the week. Your main paradox is the self awareness that you are full of shit while convinced that no one else knows that, but poor sad fucker rest assure of one thing, they do know and this week they will let you know that over and over again. Even if they have to beat it into your head until you finally get it.  SAGITTARIUS 11/22-12/21- Typical of a Sagittarious to talk complete and utter horse shit as pearls of wisdom, then you tend to guet all pissy when no ones listens to you, what do you expect? How long until you realize you are the shithead of the zodiac? As it happen I too am a Sagittarius, so I hope you are well and truly paying attention to what I am saying you hear me you sad fucker? Now as for your week, well it will suck, and people will hate you because you are like a mirror that reflects the worse in themselves, if you get till the end of the week without a good kicking I'll be well surprised, because you really deserve one.  CAPRICORN 12/22-01/19- You see yourself as a wonderful human being and you don't understand why people treat you so badly. Here's the truth, you're not, you are a double faced snake in the grass, and at the very first oportunity you will screw someone over for personal gain. Now people are well aware of you sort, so if I was you I would from now on go to sleep with one eye open, because there are a lot of folks pissed at you and ready to shit on your sandwish and piss on your soda. And if I may be perfectly honest I don't blame them, you really are a pice of shit, and you deserve the crap week you are about to have.  AQUARIUS 01/20-02/18- You will start the week in a happy go lucky type of mood, because you think things will go your way, rest assure Aquarius, it wont, you are about to have one of those weeks, that you wished you were never born. You will ge fired, you will be dumped, you will lose your wallet, you will be bitten by a raccoon, you will get infected, and you will have your leg amputated. On a more positive note, you will find the missing sock you thought you lost, in the back of the drawer, so you see, its not all bad after all. And you thought I only had bad news for you huh????  PISCES 02/19-03/20- You really want to make some sort of progress in your life, but the reality is, you can't you really are a turd with eyes, and all your best efforts turns to shit, so don't fucking bother. Smoke a joint, phone in sick, don't shave, don't wipe your ass, as the end result will be exactly the same, because it really sucks to be you right now. By midweek you will realize that I am right and you will be able by the weekend to have a plan of action in what to do next so you wont jump of a cliff. Despair not, you are not alone, if you feel down and want a moral lift, take a look at all the other stars signs and I assure you, you will feel much better afterwards.
6 Comments
|
| HOROSCOLONOSCOPE |
|
RSS Feed